Are you tired of lackluster attendance every Sunday? Do all the empty seats dishearten you? Is it depressing to see evening or mid-week service attendance a mere fraction of the dismal Sunday morning service?

No more! You can fill your church pew beyond capacity during every service, no matter when it is. Whether it’s an 8 AM Sunday morning worship service or a 7 PM mid-week prayer meeting, your church will be overflowing. Just follow two easy steps!

Just imagine reporting to your denomination your church’s explosive growth! Here’s how to get it:

Step 1: Implement the “Economic Stimulus Outreach Plan”

Pay every man, woman, and child $1,000 for each service they attend. That means a family of four could make up to $12,000 per week, or $624,000 per year. Imagine how good the economy would be. And as the economy improves, tithe receipts increase! Remember, pay them and they will come.

Step 2: Promote your outreach

Advertise on TV, radio, and through social media your church’s outreach plan. Let everyone know! The more that know, the more that will come.

Fine print stuff: This plan only promises success for a maximum of one week, after which the church will be bankrupt. Reaching or exceeding capacity is not guaranteed, unless you offer $10,000/person for each service.

More fine print stuff: In case you didn’t figure it out, while this plan may work, it is not recommended except to enjoy a few laughs at the whole concept.

This Post Has 2 Comments

  1. Well if you fail being a Doctor in what you do you can always be a stand up comic.

Comments are closed.

Close Menu

Pin It on Pinterest

×

Cart