Are you tired of lackluster attendance every Sunday? Do all the empty seats dishearten you? Is it depressing to see evening or mid-week service attendance a mere fraction of the dismal Sunday morning service?
No more! You can fill your church pews beyond capacity during every service, no matter when it is. Whether it’s an 8 AM Sunday morning worship service or a 7 PM mid-week prayer meeting, your church will be overflowing. Just follow two easy steps!
Just imagine reporting to your denomination your church’s explosive growth! Here’s how to get it:
Step 1: Implement the “Economic Stimulus Outreach Plan”
Pay every man, woman, and child $1,000 for each service they attend. That means a family of four could make up to $12,000 per week, or $624,000 per year. Imagine how good the economy would be. And as the economy improves, tithe receipts increase! Remember, pay them and they will come.
Step 2: Promote your outreach
Advertise on TV, radio, and through social media your church’s outreach plan. Let everyone know! The more that know, the more that will come.
Fine print stuff: This plan only promises success for a maximum of one week, after which the church will be bankrupt. Reaching or exceeding capacity is not guaranteed, unless you offer $10,000/person for each service.
More fine print stuff: In case you didn’t figure it out, while this plan may work, it is not recommended except to enjoy a few laughs at the whole concept.
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Well if you fail being a Doctor in what you do you can always be a stand up comic.