Two Steps to Fill Your Church: A Church Growth Parody

Are you tired of lackluster attendance? No more! You can fill your church pews beyond capacity during every service, no matter when it is.

Are you tired of lackluster attendance every Sunday? Do all the empty seats dishearten you? Is it depressing to see evening or mid-week service attendance a mere fraction of the dismal Sunday morning service?

No more! You can fill your church pews beyond capacity during every service, no matter when it is. Whether it’s an 8 AM Sunday morning worship service or a 7 PM mid-week prayer meeting, your church will be overflowing. Just follow two easy steps!

Just imagine reporting to your denomination your church’s explosive growth! Here’s how to get it:

Step 1: Implement the “Economic Stimulus Outreach Plan”

Pay every man, woman, and child $1,000 for each service they attend. That means a family of four could make up to $12,000 per week, or $624,000 per year. Imagine how good the economy would be. And as the economy improves, tithe receipts increase! Remember, pay them and they will come.

Step 2: Promote your outreach

Advertise on TV, radio, and through social media your church’s outreach plan. Let everyone know! The more that know, the more that will come.

Fine print stuff: This plan only promises success for a maximum of one week, after which the church will be bankrupt. Reaching or exceeding capacity is not guaranteed, unless you offer $10,000/person for each service.

More fine print stuff: In case you didn’t figure it out, while this plan may work, it is not recommended except to enjoy a few laughs at the whole concept.

About John L. Rothra
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This Post Has 2 Comments

  1. Peter Ber

    Well if you fail being a Doctor in what you do you can always be a stand up comic.

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